A note on feeling guilty
So much of the time since being diagnosed with BC I have found myself feeling guilty. I know it’s not my fault and I don’t really think the guilt is guilt about being ill. It is guilt about the effects of me being ill on other people. In the spirit of my Top Ten theme, here are ten things I feel guilty about.
1. My wonderful husband bearing the burden. He gets up with the kids on the weekend while I languish in bed trying to find the energy to join them all. He deserves a lie in too but I can’t give him that luxury.
2. Not having the energy to run around with the kids so much on weekends. I don’t think Joey notices all that much but I know Tali does and I know it makes her sad.
3. Not having much quality time with my husband. Weekdays are all about work then getting the kids to bed. I can just about sit at the table for dinner but after that I’m done.
4. The house isn’t as tidy as I would like. To be fair, no one except me cares all that much. But I do and I feel guilty about it.
5. Putting my parents through this. I imagine that watching your child go through cancer treatment is horrendous. And it must be worse because my mum went through it only five years ago so there is no hiding the worst of it.
6. My team at work and particularly Pat. I joined the firm in part to share the burden of leading the team with the wonderful Pat. I feel I’ve let her down. I’m hardly a great help at the moment.
7. I feel guilty because I moan when there are people who are far worse off than I am, or who don’t make it. Their stories make me thankful but also guilty.
8. This one is stupid but true. I feel guilty when I read about my fellow BC sufferers who get less well treated than I do because they are on the NHS and I am treated privately. Most people have great treatment on the NHS but sometimes things aren’t amazing – like they are on a noisy ward, or they don’t get such good meds for dealing with side effects.
9. Wanting to be alone some of the time. I’m just plain knackered and I can’t be bothered to talk all the time but I can’t say that to people who are helping me and wishing me well.
10. Not being able to give blood ever again or be an organ donor. Giving blood was one of those small things I could do to pay it back. Now I can’t and it makes me feel awful.