I haven’t been able to blog for a while as the noise in my head has been deafening. The noise only goes away when I go to sleep. When I am awake it stops me from thinking straight, from separating sensible ideas from ludicrous ones, from working out which way is up and which is down. It has felt like a form of craziness, a whirling, twirling sandstorm. From the sublime to the ridiculous, my mind has found it hard to stop. Here are some of the many things I haven’t been able to dismiss:
– Will the chemo work? Will it? How long for? What if it doesn’t? What if it does?
– I want to plan ahead. I can’t plan ahead. I want to organise things. I daren’t organise things.
– I have so much to do. I want to write to the kids. To my husband. To my family. Write down everything I want to say to them. Do a CD. Make a DVD. Finish knitting Joey’s jumper. Where do I start? How do I find the words? Can I get it all done before I run out of time?
– Everyone wants to call, come and see me, spend time. It’s lovely but overwhelming. How do I prioritise? Who do I say yes to? How do I avoid offending people?
– So many offers of food – especially soup! So lovely but also overwhelming. How do I say no?
– I want to keep working. Will I have the energy? How will my clients react? How long will I be able to keep going?
– How do I deal with the guilt? I constantly feel guilty about everyone and everything.
– How do I switch from planning and organising to living each day as it comes? How can I change my entire way of being?
– The Facebook groups are full of comments on drugs, alternatives, doctors. How do I make sense of it all?
– What will it feel like if and when the end comes?
– The prayers will work. The prayers won’t work.
– How much longer do I have?
And so on and so on.
Today I cleared some of the noise by going to work. It felt so good to get dressed in work clothes and go to the office. Tomorrow I hope to clear some more by starting with a counsellor. The noise has to diminish. I have to find a way to control it before it takes over and subsumes me. I need to find some peace.