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Some paradoxes

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December 27, 2014
By Rosie
2 Comments

Here are some of the paradoxes that are haunting me at the moment.

Sleep is a blessed relief from the horror of our situation. So I want to stay asleep. But I want to spend every second with my family as time feels so limited. So I want to stay awake.

Anxiety and fear freezes me to the spot and I want to stay in bed because I feel safe there. But I want to spend my time creating fun filled memories with my family, getting out there and doing loads.

I want the kids to be in the other room so they can’t see the tears. But I want the kids to be next to me all the time so I can squeeze them tight.

I want to go to work and keep some normality in my life and use my brain. But I want to spend every moment at home with my family.

I want to rewind to 18 June, the day before I found the first lump. I want to relive the carefree existence I enjoyed for the last time that day. But I want to fast forward to see if and when the chemo works and for how long, so I can prepare myself.

I want to take some pills to take the edge off. But I want to stay alert and in the moment so I don’t miss a thing.

If I don’t make it I need to know that Elliot will move on, so that he isn’t on his own and so the kids have a mother figure in their lives. But the thought breaks my heart more than anything else and makes the tears flow.

I have always been traditionally Jewish rather than observant. I’ve never been sure what and how much I believe. Now, I find that my faith, spirituality and belief are all both ignited and doused at the same time. Part of me feels a strong connection and a certainty that all the prayers will work. Part of me feels that no G-d can exist given what we have gone through and what we are now facing.

I believe that science and medicine will save me. I don’t believe that science and medicine will save me.

I’m going to be ok. I’m not going to be ok. I’m going to be ok. I’m not going to be ok.

Categories: Rosie's blog

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